Tuesday, July 27, 2010

How to Hygenically Clean Lizard Poo Off Your Table and Other Important Items

If you want to prevent your lizard from using your dining room table as her toilet, I would first politely suggest that you not allow said lizard onto the table in the first place. But if your son is that dangerous mixture of persistent and cute, you may have to allow occasional reptilian visits, (okay, this is the first time. And the last. Don't get so grossed out you never come over for dinner again. Just keep reading) to the area on which your family regularly dines and prepare for ensuing natural disasters.
At this point, it might be prudent to mention two interesting facts.
1) A bearded dragon only poops once a day--if that.
2) When a beardie poops, it comes out in two little turds. One is black and the other is white. That is very interesting, isn't it?
The primary reason Squirt got to cavort on the table this morning is that Jonah wanted to show us how she eats blueberries, which, admittedly, would have been interesting to see. But unfortunately, he had already fed her quite a few and she wasn't interested in blueberries.
But then, she did something even more spectacular. I had already pegged her as a quick learner, but even I was amazed by this. Check it out:

Yes, that's right. She can balance a blueberry on her head. Quite impressive.
So we let her do that for awhile and applauded quietly, so as not to startle her and cause her to lose her balanced blueberry. Eventually (and I know this might surprise you) I got tired of watching a lizard balance a blueberry on her head, and I began to clear away the breakfast dishes.
That's when it happened.
I suppose I should be impressed at Squirt's continence, as this is her first poo-tastrophe since we got her last fall. But there you have it: the law of averages states that if you take a lizard out of her cage often enough, the likelihood of poo coming into contact with your home surfaces is dramatically increased. I had always envisioned it happening on the carpet, and really, I'm not sure whether the dining room table isn't a better place for it. It is, after all, easier to clean.
So here's your tutorial:
1) Make your kid clean up the mess under close supervision. It is, after all, entirely his fault.
2) Actually, first back up and express your chagrin in language as strong as you deem effective.
3) Make sure the poo is wiped off first with a sterile piece of toilet paper.
4) Use the strongest chemicals in the house to remove all traces of poo from the table.
5) Watch your kid scrub the entire table, all the chairs, and the floor too for good measure. While he's at it, ask him to scrub the bathrooms, too. Asking never hurts. He may feel guilty enough to do it.
6) Wash said toxic chemicals off the table. It wouldn't do to poison your family. Frowned upon, you know.
7) Put the lizard back in its cage. Maybe do that bit first, actually. This might be a two-poo day, even though Jonah insists it has never happened.

Other Items:
Yesterday, I found success in my months-long search for a better storage solution for my paper. I have the tiniest bit of an obsession with paper, which will likely surprise you. Since I'm not obsessive about anything else. Especially not books, cake, chocolate, coffee, birds, or my husband. And funny things. Okay, and my kids too. ;)
But the paper stack was getting a little obnoxious, and it was hard to find the right piece when I wanted it if it was all stacked together. I took a picture to show you, but even the camera was appalled and refused to focus:
Okay, actually, I'm lying. The huge stack was put together just for the purpose of exaggeration. I used to keep it in three separate piles on the topmost shelves you can see in the far right of the picture below. But still, it should be clear to all of us that something needed to be done.

And if you've visited me anytime recently--and if you're observant, you'll know that the empty corner in the background used to be the abode of a lamp and the printer. But that area was just a dust magnet, and it irritated me.
So it seems only fortuitous that when I set out to my two most trusty suppliers of crafty goodness I was bound to find the perfect solution. Jo-Ann let me down, and I was forced there to (kindly) give one of the workers a piece of my mind about their lack of paper storage options. Seriously? What woman wants to store everything in plastic containers? How cute does that look? And they did have colorful boxes for flat storage, but they were 9.99 each and while they would have looked nice, I would still have the same problem. I wanted open storage.
I think I may have heard an exuberant angel choir backing me up as I stepped into Michael's. How else to explain that I found the exact solution I was hoping for AND it was on sale 40% off? I got the whole contraption for 17.99 and put it together myself. Look at this baby!

While I'm at it, let me show you the whole craft area. Looks good, huh? (And she's modest, too, folks)

I was working on making some birthday cards, and then I realized how dusty my stamps were and the stuff on the shelves, too. I dust weekly (or something like that), but I certainly don't take all those durn stamps off the shelf and dust them...or the stuff under the counter, either. Why would dust go down there? That's just silly. But I could trace my initials in every single box and ink pad I picked up. It was embarrassing. That's how it all started.
It's all about keeping things clean, you know? Whether it's lizard poo or your craft area. Cleanliness is next to...(you're so smart!)


Tammy said...

Love the story about Squirt. You are a woman of many talents...whitty story teller, unique craftswoman (I'm sure you could help me find a more sexy word), and oh so tidy (I know not really a talent, but it rounds out the sentence). Thanks for fun read.

my2fish said...

wow, talk about an emotional rollercoaster for poor Jonah. just days ago, he was a bat-fighting hero, and now he's scrubbing the house down for lizard poo. poor guy.

Quentin said...

At least it was two "pellets" instead of, say, "squirt."